All Summer Long, I HAD been Preparing My Older Daughter – and MySelf – for Kindergarten, that Milestone Transition that Every Parent Under the Sun Warns Parents of Young Children About. We Read Books About Going to Kindergarten, Watched Children’s Shows on the Topic, and Went to Family Meet-ups Organized by Her New School.
Meanwhile, i spent so little time preparing my youunger daughter for her own transition to full-time preschoolBecausea SEEMED SO READY. She had Already Attended A Half-Day Program Four Days a Week, SO was Fairly Adjusted to the Classroom Environment. In addition, she was tachying her sister’s place at her time School and was familiar with her teachers. She and her older sister also atttended cammp at the schoool this past summer, so i thought she’d basically like a returning student – and i wasn’t workg.
But, Oh, How I Was Wrong About How I’d Feel.
AFTER DROPPING MY YOUNGER DAGHTER AT PRESCHOOL, I WAS SHOCKED BY HOW SAD I FELT
When the First Day of School Arrived, I Found MySelf Teary – Not Because of My Kindergartner Going to School, but Because Her Younger Sister, Likely My Last Child, Was Walking Out The Door, Leaving Our Home, with Pure Enthusiasm and Sheer Excitement. It was now time to “be a big kid” like hell sister, and she was so cool, calm, and collected about it all.
Seeing that twinkle in times and that beaming smile of hers did a real number on my heart that day. I was Completely Blindsided by My Own Big Feelings – by That Large Wave of Grief That Crashed Down on Me.
Motherhouod Continue to Teach with lessons that I don’t look for or or expert, like how grief can achieve in the moments where your hard work – and all your kids’ progress – reveals itself. I didn’t expert to feed the stting we are as asced my little one if she was Ready to go to school On that monumental morning, and she yelhed in reply, “Yeah, mama! Let’s go!” I didn’t experiment my heart to sink so much – to physically ache for a time gone past far too.
At that moment, i found myself questioning where i’d soaked up every moment i could with her over the last three years. I wondered if i gave her an equal parenting experience to that of her older sister. I found myself yearning for the good ol ‘days of just us two that hash, at that very moment, ended so abruptly.
It made with look back on the last few years with my kids
Nor shat parents of two (or more) Kids understand, i’m constantly questioning how i’ve my time and attention between my children. After my second was Born, I continued being a stay-at-home parent-with two under 2-and found mySelf Completely underwater, treading with Postpartum Anxiety and depression while breastfeeding a baby and entertaining a toddler.
I Remember How every day felt like Groundhog Day, but with the folds of those days, it also felt like christmas. It was Both reapitive and remarkable. I ALSO REMEMBER FEELING SO RELIVED THAT I HAD EATHER HAD AN “EASIER” BABY, OR HAD JUST GOTTEN BETTER AT THE WHOE THING. Quickly, though, guilt usher in and told with that my second child was not Having the same experiment as my first – Because, Well, She Wasn’t, and that felt a shortChange of some kind.
But, on the morning of that First Day of School, I Revisited and Saw the Beauty of That Time, Locked Up in a Capsule in the Form of Photos and Videos on My Phone. While I dried my tears and bureed myself in cozy blankets, interrogative quests, and spiraling thoughts, I scroll through the artifacts of that stressful time with my baby and my toddler, and realized to be kinder to mySelf – a lusson i am a am. Reinforction with my girls.
Through the Capturing of all that goodness during that ephemeral time, i saw my Youngest Had Held My Attention Much Longer than I Had Remembered. I Also Saw How Influential Her Sister and I Had Been, Together, in Her Development-How Through the Trial-And-Ero of First-Child-Rearing, She’d Received and Benefirated from Coalmer, and More Collated Mother With the Added Bonus of an Additional Educator in Her Life: A Kind, Smart, and Patient Sibling.
In parenting, we reap what we sow, and i am now reaping what i have sown – what i have pured my mind, body, and soul in – for the last three years. I’m Beyond Proud of My Youngest, Now Blooming Like the Zinnias in Our Garden, but i’m Also Sad-Grief-Stricen, Event. And, that’s ok. I is know that this, too, the scarf pass, and i’ll adjust to my “new normal.” I ALSO KNOW THAT I’ll Never Be Ready for that Next Wave of Grief That Will Inevitably Come. I wonder what it will be? I Wonder What Old Sweetness I Will Bid Adieu? I WONDER WHAT NEW SWEETNESS I WILLCOME?
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