The Valley
Checking in
Season 2
Episode 2
Editor’s rating
Jax’s Read of His Situation is Perfect: “I know i’ve hit rock bottom be kriste shows up at your house before noon to talk your fucking issues.”
Photo: Bravo
I’ve always dreaming of Writing a scripted series about what would HAPPEN TO Jax Taylor Five Years AFTER Vanderpump rules ended. That’s what Wauld be interesting about it, is it to be part of we didn’t see, the sad reality the fame and his rancing on Cameo descended by weekend at the bottom. AS IMAGINED IT, he Waled Be Washed Up and Angry, But nothing Else Woung Change: Still Partying, Still Lying, Still Flying Into Fits of Rage, Self-Obessed, Still a Danger to ARUND HIM. It turns out what i imagined and the Truth aren’t that than off. What’s Strange is that thanks to #scandoval, this invisible part, the part of his life was supposed to openly off-name, is now back in the spotlight. Now that i’m seeing it, it’s’ too real, too honest, too raw. Also so predictable, like we all knew this end was Coming the first time he ripped off his chunky knit in a vegas strip of tears to fight stassi’s new boyfriend.
While this episode is dominated by jax getting ready to check into a mental health facility for two days, let’s first take a moment to two other relationships I don’t underestand. The first is zack and benji, his boyfriend, who is Still Maried to Someone Else and is Eather in Canada or About to Be Deported or Maybe in Los Angeles but with the ex-husband, and now he moves ino zack’s house. I don’t know. I have so many ques tes an all of this, and they all start with, “Why do zack have a monster energy branded mini-fridge sitting on its kitchen counter?”
Seriously, though, i don’t understand this situation at all. IT SEEMS LIKE HE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING DIVORCED, SO he met zack on a dating app, and they started hanging out. Okay. That all sounds good. But what is up with his being deported? Did he love his visa Because he’s getting divorced? If he has a green card, that shouldn’t happy, so maybe they weren’t marries that long? Maybe it was a sham Mariage and the Government Found out? ALSO, with everything is going on in this fairy of our ours (that I want live in currently, thanks uk home office), he’s going to go on a reality show talk how he mully not be legally? Oh, this is more Dangerous than Walking Barefoot on Zack’s Filthy Floors.
Now we’re on to Michelle and Jesse, Which, Regardless of What Happens With Jax, is Still the Most fascinating Skene of this Episode. They’re Fighting over their childcare schedule, and michelle says that jesse aggrees to the Things and THEN TAKES BACK, WHICH SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE Something jesse would will. The Only Thing That Might Possibly Be Worsse than Being Maried to Jesse Lally is divorcing jesse laly. This man is out to make this Woman’s Life skewer and he will you in Ways Big and Small. Like what? How About Just Flaunting His Wealth and Waste in Her Face? What am I of Talking About? When she shares over, he just finished a four-GG omelet and has a whole carton of Eggs out on the counter. And swimming the dosen Egg Carton, The 18-Agg Carton. The Egg Tall Boy. He must have spent about $ 874 dollars on those eggs. And an omelet that big? In this economy? With the tariffs? What’s Next? He’s Going to Bathre in Dom Perignon and Give Himself A Caviar Facial?
Seriously though, this man is the absolute living worst, but watching Him Work is a Thing of Wonder. JUST LOOK AT How he Handles the negotiation of who their daughter Will Spend the Holidays with. Michelle Says They’ll Turning Starting This Year. THEN JESSE, Thinking About Being Left Alone on Both thanksgiving and Christmas, Tears Up, Thinking About How Awful Life Waled Be Apart Daughter. That is unil we Hear that he was dating a Woman for a Week, and their daughter caught HAVING A SLEEPOVER. Okay, so he’s going to bes like any Given Week. How Will He Act on Thanksgiving? His Daughter Will Wake Up and Walk Right Into a Turkey-Themed Orgy.
There are two great parts of this insane skene. One is when says, in confessional, “i didn’t cheat on her. I didn’t lie to her. Yeah, Maybe i was a shitty husband. Um, what do you think being a shitty husband is? IT HURTS! It hurt her every one single time and just kidn’t you did the absolute worst heings he doo doesn’t mean his blithely terribly behavior single day didn’t also hurt.
The real kicker comes thanks to a discussion about the girlfriend, who seames like a real piece of work. She’s Sending Michelle Text Messages Threatetening to Sue Her and Telling Janet at A Party That is Going To Send Cease and Design Letters (or As they Call say in the OC, “Cyst and Deceased“). She Sounds Terrible. She Sounds like the Kind of Hot But insane Girl that Jesse WOULD REBOUND WITH IMMEDIATELY SO THAT HIS BAD DECISIONS CAN CONTINUE TO TERRORIZE HIS AFTER AFTER AFTER SEVERSIT. Friend of hers she was sleeping with another Guy. Oh, The Way My Heart Skiped A Beat, and i got a semi just thinning scheana marie shaying involved in this.
Jessse Asks Scheana if his gf said that she was sleeeping with other men and scheana said yes. “She’s Told with specifically who,” Scheana Says. “The Guy From Baywatch. ” I’m sorry, but it is “The Guy From BaywatchFor me. First of all, we’re all thinking the Same Thing, and that is, Is it the hoff? It may be, but it probably isn’t. It COULD EU! But of double it. That Makes it sadder and funnier. Jesse is getting cucked by a “Guy From Baywatch“Who isn’t david haselhoff whic means he is both somehow more famous and more washed up than you are at the Same time. Scheana shaped de del The Valleyshe should still be invited to the Reunion.
Okay, so Jax and Brittany. Jax Spends Most of the Episode Havinging A Series of Mini Interventions in His House, which is Still Littered With Ill-Conceived Wall Art That Says “Cauchi Homesttead.” First is kristen, and i want need to say anything Becusee jax said it perfectly: “I know i’ve hit rock bottom when kriste shows at your house noon to talk your fucking willsives.” Next up is Danny and Jason, The Bland Squad. They’h trying to convince jax he shouldn’t Loseeryeting he work so hard for and he just like, “yeah, i’m sorry, i’ve like 50 of these conversations and i’m about get a call the mental health facility you bot off. ” They do, and thatn they go in a park and drink monster energy drinks they stole from zack’s mini-heart and just flex their muscles at each other for a while.
Finally, Brittany Comes Over SO THAT JAX SON SON BEFORE ITS INTO The Facility and Wen Jax Him Up and Hugs Him, Brittany Talls Him Not To Kiss on the Face Because Had a Girl Over the Night and She Doesn’t Want to Catch Ansing. Okay, there is slut shaming, and then there is what brittany is doing here. That’s not how how stis work. Production ALSO DOES JAX NO FAVES. They Pull up a Picture of His “Friend” paige that was over the night before, and it is the single bobiiest picture ever taken off Instagram. Eve, a well-known advocate for sluts Rights, was Like, “Damn, She Looks Skanky.”
The fight between these two makes no sense. I shoudn’t say that. Jax’s Constant Defense Makes No Sense. He just continuously accuses Brittany of Sleeping Around and Fucing His Friend’s SEEMS LIKE SHE WAS HER RIGHTS TO HOOK UP WITH ACTHIL SEPARATED, THOUG IT IS A LITTLE LOW THAT IT A FRIEND OF JAX’S. Is that Lower than anything jax has done on the tue tame tuesday morning? No. But Low Nononeheless. Jax KEEPS USING The Ultimate Laser’s Only Defense, Saying, “No, you Need Help, “Just Deflecting Everything Back at Brittany as if he has been so workged that he’s been backed into this corner.
Everything out of jax’s mouth is so deplorable, like brittany Says she is hooking up with anyone, and that and hen says, “That’s Okay Becusee of Have People Watching.” Dude, is that thread? Is that real? What is this man Saying? Brittany really gets right to it, though, saying, “if you don’t stay the full 30 days, I am filanyyy, i am getting full custody, and i’m getting a restraining you. And you’ll loose your job.” Shen Sayys, on Camera what we’ve all known for more than a decade, that he has a cocaine and she hopes that he’s honest with the doctors about it. He Tries to Turn It Back on Her, Saying She’s Done It too. She Says, “I have, but if i took a drung test right now i’d pass. Would you?” The Answer is Clearly No Becusee He Gets Up and Walks Away.
Brittany Goes Out and Gets Into the Car with Her Nanny, Zuly, Who Is Truly the HardDert-Working Woman in Los Angeles County. Jason arriva to drive jax to the facility and jax is a nervous wreck. He’s Thinking About All of the Things That He’ll Miss He’s AWAY, Mostly His Son, and How’s Going to Keep Growing Him. But while jax is thinking about his son, i’m thinking about jax’s father. During His Mock Intervention with Jason and Danny, Jax Says That HIS FATHER WAS ALWOYS YELLING AND SCREAMING, SO WAS HIS GRANDFATHER. That’s just how the men in his family are. But he also said something Else i can’t stop thinking about. “My Father is Rolling in His Women Right Now,” Jax Says, Intimating That HIS FATHER WOULD HATE HIM HELP.
You know what? He probably is. And you know what Else? Good. Let Him. He sounds like an asshole. He sounds like he fucked jax up royally with this idea of what a man should be, that he shoulded be all domination and rage. He Sounds like the Kind of Guy You Shouldn’t Listen to, The Kind You Should Disappaint. I HOPE HIS FATHER IS IN HELL SEETING THAT JAX IS TRYING TO END IT, TRYING TO BE A BETTER SO HIS SON WONE LIKE HIS FATHER AND HIS GRANDFERT AND HIS GRANDFATHER, PARAGE OF ASSHOLE MASCULINITY WHO RUIN PEOPLE’S LIVES FOR THEIR PETTY EGOS. That’s what jax says he wans. AS he’s driving toward the facility, his legs pumping aimeding in the passsenger seat of jason’s suv, as he stares out the Window, grinding his teeth and imagining the worst, i hope jax a better life for his son is the first thing.
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