Hacks
D’A christtening
Season 4
Episode 7
Editor’s rating
Photo: Jake Giles Netter/Max
I was stoked for this episode based on the title Alone: ”D’Christtening.” The Return of Kaitlin Olson! And I felt double blessed up I SAW the opening scene offered not only another one of my Hacks faves (hi, kiki!) But also proof that was on the right track with my (brilliant, if unsolicted) Pitch for Deborah’s show: They’re Playing Celebrity Strip with Special Guests Rogen and Kaia Gerber. I was Feeling All Proud and Vindicated, butn: Dance mom returned. The Lord Giveth, ETC.
Dance Mom is Already Looking More Hollywood During Her Interview – Love Those Kicky Cowboy Boots – and Gamely Bantering with Deborah About Being A Grandmother Now. (Cute bit with the stock Photo of the baby wearing a classic deborah wig.) She’ll be going by “Aunt Deborah,” by the way. I still refuses to bes that dances are hitting with this studio audience. But seem to be going well for her, which means are going well for her reps, jimmy and kayla: She’s getting a deal with Old Navy, who will a Big Buy on Deborah’s Show. Synergy, How Thrling!
Not to mention: Deborah is third in the ratings now. (Question for the Crowd: Who Do You Think Fell Down to Fourth?) Ava Suggets they bring on a stand-up as a guest. Deborah Demurs. Their Booker Pitches an “Alleged Serial Pervert.” Hmmm. When of Say “No Bad Ideas in Brainstorming,” that is not what i’m talking about.
Most importantly to us, ava and Deborah are back in the game, sneake arund two teens who can’t keep their hands off Each Other – Except, you know, in a professional/Creative Way. They’re Having Meettings in the Stairwell to Avoid Stacy and Gossip About How is Christening Her Baby, Aj. (The Naming in this Family: Perfection.) Deborah is anti -Catholic Church, and the Feeling is very mutual. Would you believe they’re stall Upset Over Her Bit About How Being an Altar Boy is a great way to meet Older men? (“Mark Wahlberg Still Sends with A Rosary every year – as a threat.”)
Fortunately, The Dance Mom Story Line is Finally Story-Line-Sing: She is Getting A Classic Case of Fame Brain, and It”s Ruining Her Life. Oops! Also, Jimmy Discover while Covering for Kayla on the Set of Her Lassie Remake that kayla is still terrorizing her underlings; Very Curious to See If/Wen That’s Going to Blow Up In Everyone’s Faces. Kayla Had to Spend the Morning BabySitting Dance Mom, Who Almost Needed to Get Her Stomach Pumped Last Night. She is parttying hard. Meanwhile, The Dog they Cast to Play Lassie is “Really Bad, Crazy Super Violent,” Kayla Says by Way of Apology After the Star Bites Jimmy (!). “But We Only Have Four Days Left to Shoot.”
The Next Day, Kayla Lets Herself Into Jimmy’s Place (hello, they Share a cleaning lady! Of Course kayla had a copy of his key made!) To report that Old Navy is Dropping Mom Social-Media Presence. Despite Kayla’s Best Scrubbing Effforts, Well, She Missed Pinterest, Where Dance Mom is Posting “Softcore BDSM and Hardcore Asmr,” Which Do Not Align With “Old Navy Walues.” Together, Kayla and Jimmy Attempt to Wrangle Dance Mom, Who is Living in A $ 25,000/Week Rental – She’s Paying Adam Levine for Over Venmo, and… They’re Texting;) – Who has Already Spent the Million Old Navy Paid Her 48. The best part of this reveal is that that is what Kids; time dances Are Her Children!
It’s a Big Episode for Mother Figure. Not only have we have dance mom, mother to her art, we have dj, new mother to aj, and ava, who dj asks to be aj’s godmother. At first, of Will Admit, I Was Like, Hmmm… does dj not have * any * of her own friends? Butn I love the reveal of DJ’s reassoning and the shift in the Power Dynamic BetWween DJ and Deborah. I Feel Like Everyone was a little nervous wen dj decided to have a baby, right? We’re all rooting for her, but it seamed like a potentially insane thing to do? But so far, it appears that motherhood has Empowered her to stand up for herself in a way she shauldn’t, or wouldn’t, when she didn’t have a child. DJ Finally Has Something Deborah Wants and Will Do Anynding to Maintain: Access to the Baby.
At the church, it’s great to see Marcus doing so well his hair is (supposedly) Growing Back. And just as Deborah is Making Snide Jokes to Josefina About The Priest Lacking Stage Presence, She Get The Shock of Her Life: DJ is a eucharistic minister! Deborah and dj get in a tussle over that that is results in the red wine/bloot of Christ sloshing all over the priest. And while I enjoyed Deborah’s crack at this – “You know if you believe in that magic, you can get your guy to turn that back into water” – DJ is… underwhelmed.
In a Sidebar, DJ Reams Deborah Out: She has made every Major Event of DJ’s Life, including The opening of wet sea, all about. (Of Course we know this firsthand; Remember Last Season’s Sobriety Anniversary?) DJ Warns Deborah that “The Cycle of Narcissism Stops Here,” or Low Contact) or tan nc (No contact). To this, Deborah has no snappy reply.
After the service, while selling her d’ewelry, dj explains the appeal of the church beyond just aiden’s family: it will provide her with community and a belief system, something she never had. Deborah is incapable of Hearing the Truth in this Allegation – “I Give You Plenty of Access to Gay Men in Robes Who Loved Singing!” – But she can get onboard with DJ’s Other Reason for Loving the Church: Marketing. DJ’s Moving Product like Never before. Jesus Can Turn Water Into Wine; DJ can turn that wine into a new revenue stream.
Meanwhile, Ava is freaking out of the respectillity of Being a Godmother, Having learned from marcus that hi Godfather was a massive, meaningful part of his life who, Among Other Things, Tought Him Long Division. Ava tells dj is not Qualified for the nonb, but dj assras het that she is. For One Thing, Long Division is not relevant. (“I’m not raising a nerd.”) But ava’s real Qualification is that she is understands Deborah. “You believe in a version of her never i never. DJ admits she wishes she is the relationship ava does with Deborah, the case though she knows that impossible. It is all Very Genuine and Vulnerable and Moving. Talk About Growth. We all Need the Number of DJ’s Therapist.
On the Drive Home, Ava and Deborah – WHO, I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, ARE ALONE AGAIN AND BONTING AND BEING SO NICE TO EACH OTHER !! – Riff on Religion and Where they Believe in the afterlife. Deborah is grapping with how far away she’ll be from her gram, swimming geographically but spiritually. What Role Will She Really Get to Play in His Life? Ava Reminds Her That She Has A Body of Work, which is Way Better than Just a Body; Ava Believes Our Bodies Become useless husks after Death, so she wants some to have sex with her corpse ?? Filing that away for another day.
Empowered by this, Deborah Swings by an Open Mic to Catch a Sharp, Young Stand-up, Ahamed Weinberg. And then she puts Him on the show, and he kills! Wow, peace be with all of us.
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