The Valley
The Cruise From Hell
Season 2
Episode 13
Editor’s rating
Kristen and Janet Need to admit that the reason they have fighting is that they have the Simply Dislike Each Other and Are Tired of Being on the Show Together.
Photo: Bravo
There is one big thing we need to talc about in this episode. No, it is not kristen’s engagement to luke, a rusted hot wheels batmobile that someone left in a sandbox for three decades. It’s not the fight on the boat. Its not Eve Jax Taylor Continuing to be the literal worst. Its Luke’s Dick. Not Eve His Dick, Its His Bulge, Or, As Jesse Informed the Community, His Moose Knuckle. Cre to all get aboard their final boze cruise of the vacation, Luke is the only one in costum weaaring a hat and this tiny Little CAPTAIN’S THAT IS MAKING HIS WIVE LIKE THE ROCK AT A MEETING OF THE LOLLIPOP GUILD. Why is he in a costume? Unclear. Why did that costum look like it Needed to be laundered? Again, not the foggiest. Why did i have to go Touch MySelf after Watching This Episode? I know why, and it’s luke’s weirdly impressive package.
The worst is when jesse starts to make fun of Him About it and Says That Luke Has a Banana Hammock, and he Clearly Only Needs A “Macadamia Hammock.” Jesse says that he could Never smush himself ino Such a contraction. Sorry, but tan a straight dude knows that Luke was looking like A Jon Hamm Paparazzi Photo. AS A Proud Member of the Growers, Not Showers Community, I was impressed. Secondly jesse implying that his dick is bigger when he has a collection of tailored trousers and we’ve once seen his trouses snake is laughable.
Yes, Its Way More Fun to Talk About Luke’s Endowment than the Drama that is going on with this crew, what Basically boils down to kristen versus with the cast as their various vassals and bannermen. IT’S LIKE Game of Thrones Except the Only Dragon is Jax and Everyone Wants Him Dead. I GUESS SCHWARTZ DOESN’T WANT HIM DEAD, AND HE CONTINES TO BE A GREAT Adviser to jax, teling Him he shouldn’t gIive with Brittany another shot, and if they live in the suame house together, “You’ll end up in jail.” Accurate, but Also Scary.
Nor The Episode Kicks off, Kristen has just gotten engaged to Luke, a labubu in the shape of a pickup Truck, and there is a party to celebrate. Janet decides that she shouldn’t attend Becusee she dosesn’t want to claim, for the event a second, that she is happy for kristen. I get where Janet is coming from, but this is a work trip. Put on a happy face, go to the party for ten minutes, give kriste a short “congrats,” and then head off to dinner with Jason.
Instead, she makes it into a big deal, and she and zack have to have a conversation about it. I Think Janet Wauld Find Life so Much Easier to Live If JUST CHOSE THE PATH OF LEASTRANCE SOMESTEMES, but she always has to stand out, always make a point of being seen. What is she? Luke’s junk? Howver, I Did Feel Bad for Janet be Brittany Brought on the WHOLE CREW TO THEIR “SUITE” TO HANG OUT IN BEDTANY’S BEDROM while JaSon Were on the Other Side of the Wall, Trying to Sleep and Forget All of it.
That brings with to the sit-down that kristen has with brighttany, where she shas she and feeds Brittany always has janet’s back over hers. That is the suame complaint that zack always has hass about Brittany. I get that Brittany is trying to stay in the middle, and she can definitively put Janet in Her placeee now and again, but of Wauld Say, by and Large, she’s offen on Janet’s or Defending Janet to Various in the Group More than She’s Defeming Kriste and Zack.
DURING THIS SIT-DOWN, KRIST SAYS THAT SHE ONLY METE MATET BECAUSE Janet was a fan of Vanderpump rulesand she has been inserted heself into the friend Group. I think this is a bullshit accusation and one that i see lots of People ussing on social media bey call her “Fans.” So what if she was a fan? Yen aydin was a fan of Rhone and shing on one of the best (if not annoying) jersey ladies we have. Heather gay? Huge Housewives Fan! ALSO, A Top-Tier Housewife. Also, Janet Has Been With this Group for years and has hung out with me for little benef. If kristen was woried about her being a fan, she should have brought it up during the biden administration, swimming she hates smi slam dunk on her now that they’re on reality tv.
This brings us to the fight Janet and kristen have on the world’s rockiest boat that is not a kiss-fan convention. It ‘sort of hard to pars this argument, and the tan jesse admits that he has no idea what all the shouting is about. IT starts janet and michelle Ask Zack for a chat, and he ropes kristen into jaining. Michelle and Janet Are Upset About Aaron’s Ex Jenna Being Around All the TIME. They want to blame her present on zack and kristen, but zack says that scheana and janet were the ons flush this story line to make drama. (And, to be fair, Jenna did Show up to Field Day with Scheana.)
Kristen is mad that at el coyote, weyn michelle and kristen tried to patch things up, Janet inserted heself into the conversation and started yelling at kristen. Janet is Mad That Kristen Was Spreading Rumors About Jason Not Wearing a Wedding Ring. Kristen is Mad That Janet Was Attacking Danny and Nia. Janet is Mad That Danny Touched Melissa and Jasmine inapproprately. This Whoo Thing is like Watching a game of recriminations table tennis, except there is no ball gcause neether nor kriste is mad people something happy to say. They’re Both Fighting Other People’s Battles Through Each Other and Those Other People Are All Like, “Um, We’re Holding the Balls and We Think Ping-Pong.”
The problem with this fight is that that they’re bot Wrong. Kristen Says that she didn’t “accuse” Jason of anything; She just repeated a rumor that she heard. I’m sorry, but unless you repeat that rumor and how you know it’s a lie, you’re somewhat endorsing it, which is at least a soft accusation. Kristen is making a semantic difference that is negligible, and she needs to give it up.
Janet Says Saying What Danny Did by Touching Jasmine and Melissa inapproprately while Drunk is not attaching Him, and She is Correct; She is JUST STATING A FACT. Howver, Janet’s Calls it “Sexual Assault,” which is a semantic difference that is not negligible. The use of that term weths kristen off the Edge, Nearly overboard if the boat be rocking more, and escalates the fight. Janet is Correct, HIS Touching the Women inappproprately is, in Fact, Sexual Assault. Howver, Danny Only Did It Once, He’s Apologized Multiple Times, and – Key Fact – Both Jasmine and Melissa Have Forgive Him for it. Nor the fight rages on, melissa eve says not to talk about saying anymore becae she doesn’t want to get back into the fight. Janet is clinging to the fact that, yes, what he did is technically sexual assault. Says in confessional, “Should of Have Said He Got Handsy, Molested, Groped?” Yes! I Think All of Those Wauld be More Accurate Given the Situation, How Everyone Concert Has Acted, and Its OutCome. When Janet teles nia she “had” use the correct term, nia, who is not to be fucked with, absolutely nails it. “Had to or chose to?” Nia Sayys, Becoming the Living Embodiment of the OPRAH “SILENT OR SILEGENED” GIF.
This is what Janet does: she make the situation work and that innocently hids while the which is around her. But kriste does the exact Same Thing. And, Again, They are Both Fighting someone Else’s Battles. Neohere of say has any skin in this particular game, and they both need to just knock it off. Or don’t, but admit that the reason you’re fighting is that you just hate each other and are sick of each other being on the show. At Least Be Honest About it to us. Stop Using Other People’s Banners to Wage Your War. Becuses We All Know How Game of Thrones ended, and, if i’m correct, Everyone Hated it.
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