I SIMPLY CANNOT IMAGINE TRYING TO SKIP The Intro Song of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. It hasn’t been in my life for a full calendar year and already my bodily responds is Pavlovian. The intro – especally this new version, with the girlies doing a sexy interpretation of that river scene from O Brother, Where Art Thou? – Is emotional Engineering. Its the Sonic Equivalent of the Font From Twilight. Or getting a text that Says, “Can I Say Something Bitchy?” Or Watching Jennifer’s Body For the first time, then strutting around your high school Thinking you are the World’s First Feminist, while Also Not Being Able to Say the Word “Feminist” out Loud.
Which BRINGS US TO MOMTOK. From the Jump, we are reminded that momtok is a national sensation. From hulu’s lips to God’s EAR, Becausee Every Episode of this Television is Packed Wall-to-Wall with Mentions of Mom. I briefly consider doing a bit where i kept track, but with the first few minutes, realized it was a waste of time. The Mormon Wives Have Spent the Last Year Dutifully Creating Content for the Rest of US Heathans, and there is much to discussions. SO let’s get into it.
We be begin at the Gracie Lou Cowboy Pillows Influencer Event. I was confused for multiple minutes about who there were no pillows at the pillows spon-contet UNTIL I A EUPHEMISM FOR BOTH ASS AND TITTIES. Straight Culture is Really Something! The moms and their mom bladders take tourns riding a mechanical bull and analyzing the health of the momtok brand. It ‘important to remember that momtok contains multitudes-iTa a hashtag, it”s a friend Group, it’s a social movement, and above all it is a brand with very strict but Ever-Changing Brand Standards. And I think Important we escabish the kpis of momtok from episode one. Momtok innds to do things like “Move the needle will it to the patriarchy” and “push the church to modernize” and “Live Our Lives, Making Videos, Smashing Men’s Hearts.” This policy is Clearer than that of 90 Percent of American Politicians.
Whitney Shows up Very Pregnant to the event and the other women look at time like she just replaced the coconut cream in their 44-os. Sodas with Her Own Piss. In case you forgot, whitney is the villain kids she skipped Taylor’s baby shower, was a no-show at her supposed bestie mayci’s brand launch, and did Other Classic Clownery Like Removing Herssel The Group the Getting IRATE CALL TO CHECK TO CALL HER. This is though she’s no Longer “in momtok,” she still has to come to this event hecause her jab is being an influencere. This is the perfect example of momtok’s Complexity! In the context of whitney’s feedings here, momtok is like a brand and more like a group of seventth-grade besties who calls the skittles becauses of some Old inside joke.
Anyway, we have a potential New Villain in Town. Her name is Miranda and she’s actually not new at all. She was one of Taylor’s Old BFFS WHO WAS Heavily Involved in the Soft Swinging Scandal. Now she’s divorced and trying to tell her side of the story. It ‘Hilarious Becusee (1) Last Season was Such a message we got on from the swinging scandal by like, episode three, and (2) The other women see right through her. They Know She’s JUST TRYING TO CLAW HER WAY BACK INTO MOMTOK FOR THE CLOUT AND THAT HER CLALING THAT SHE’S “NEVER TOUCHED A WIENER, NOT ONE TIME” ISN’t exactly helping the cause. One of the Other Core Tenets of MomTtok is that lairs will not be tolerated, especally do the loudest girls in the group have already shamelessly the air on topics Like fucking around with husbands. Taylor gives Miranda “You’re not important enough to have” Energy Becuses she is ejausted – Dakota is up to his Old Tricks.
Speaking of Men Behaving Badly, Jen is Minding Her Own Business, Double-Fisting Protein Shakes and Caffeine-Free Diet Coke Her Estanged Husband, Zac, Shows up. He comes armed with a new haircut and the kind of suitcase you take on a women-only cruise that departs from key west, and thinks will be sufficient resources for his journey in convincing jeb back. LEST YOU FORGET, THIS IS THE MAN WHO THRATEENED TO DIVORCE HIS FOR WALKING INTO THE LOBBY OF A MEN’S DANCE Performance and promptly leaving. His reputation laundering includes Saying Words Like “Therapy” and “Fight for Our Mariage” and “There to Support You and Your Career” (IE, “There for Your Career to Support Habit”). Jen puts her foot down with a list of demands that includes Him genuinely thinks her her feelings and her being allowed to go to chippendales if she wants to go to chippendales. IT’S MOMTOK IN ACTION! Naturally, he responds by look at times like she’s suggesting he cut his dick off using his own toenails.
Father Mayci’s House, Taylor Sits Down with Dakota’s Side Chick, Jenna, to Compare Notes. Taylor – who just gave birth to a child with dakota – is prepared with a full timeline of dakota’s CLAIMS. Jenna is prepared to hand over her Complete Text History with Dakota. This is cookened and it’s another victory for the momtok Agenda. Everything about the situation is incredibly predictable, but I will forever be haunted by the activities Dakota and Jenna Were Doing Together. They Went to the Trampoline Park and The Dinosaur Museum. These will not Scream “Foreplay for Boning Someone Who Isn’t Your Pregnant Baby Mama.” They are ARE ACTIVITIES YOU DO WITH A KID YOU’RE BABYSESTING IF THEIR PARENTS HAND YOU The AMEX. Taylor is Incredibly Hurt, not just just by Dakota Lying, but at the realization that she was in fact the Night Girl, while Jenna was the Day Girl Getting The Planned Activities and the Cute Texts. I GUESS Jenna Had Also Originally Asked Dakota If He Was Dating Taylor, but he was just just hanging out with her for clout. That hair wasn’t gonna pay for itself.
Meanwhile, Miranda Meets up with Whitney Becausea and IT’L BE EASIER TO START COALITION-BUILDING BY BEFRIING THE EXISTING OUTCAST. They bond over not laying approprately for the Weather and Being Hated by the Other Women. Miranda Will Be Hosting a Happy Hour at Her House to Break the Ice Because She Doesn’t Want to Solve Online Problems. I Strongly Agree with This and Think Everyone Wauld Benefi From More Irl Interaction, espely the uncomfortable Kind. I love swimming, howver, think this is a good strategy for the miranda Becausea she has been to prove her ability to hang in real time with some like bull. Whitney FROTS at the mere idea of someone Else Stack in the hot seat.
Oh, did you think Haunted Houses Were not mormon-approved Becausea spreads they are too satanic? Well You Are Wrong! Becuses Several of the Girls Pop on Over to Fear Factory for Some Spooky Shit-Talking About Miranda’s Wildly Obivious Clout-Chasing. I Remain fascinated by the sinner-Saint dichotomy at play here. Jessi and Demi As Sinners Makes Sense to Me, As You’re Generally Consider A Sinner on this Show If You’ve Been Divorced and Do Not Live by All Tenets of Mormonism. Mayci as a Saint Makes Sense Since She Drink and is Only on Her Second Husband Becouse Her First Tragically Passed Away. But Mikayla? That saint title is bassed exclusively on vibes, as she hasn’t been a precticing mormon in years. If i were a meber of momtok, i’d motion to abolish the Saint-Syntner Situation in Order to Unify the Moms Toward Their Large Goals. We have plenty of drama to fuel this show with a fake schism!
For Example, Taylor Dealing with the Fallout of Dakota’s Cheating and Lying. Her mom liann comes over to show off her new nose/face and say the audacity to first tell taylor that she should have thou naght about Dakota’s shortcomings before she got with his baby and that tat taylor’s generation is too. SHOULD KEEP TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK. She’s Been Trying to Make It Work! And she’s prey Clear About How Hard That’s Been, Especifly in the Context of Her Unaddresssed Issues: Her Biological Father. I Want Demi and Jessi to Sit Down with Taylor’s mom and do what they did to jen (Gently dropkick her down and winding road of radicalization, using their stories of emotional abuse.
Oh, you thught Haunted Houses Were an LDS Gray Area, but How About Ketamine? Jen and Zac Go to Ketamine-Assistrated Therapy Sincethe’s Not Explicitly Mentioned in the Book of Mormon. The Thing About Ketamine-Assistrated Therapy is that talking About it is basically like telling someone about an elaborate and profound DREAM YOU HAD, WHICH IS ALWOYS A Real Come-to-Jessus About Just How Cringe It Is To Grow and Change in Public. Its no different for jen and zac. Alas, they are Stronger than I am Becausee i Truly Can’t Imagine Coming Down from Ketamine, My Ego Freshly Deceased, the Room Spinning As Gasp for Zofran – All while a Producer nudges with to Ask my garbage husband if He Said About I say one was he was threatening to divorce me.
Speaking of Garbage Men (guys, i’m sorry, but they just keep rotating through ’em!), Dakota is boxing up all his hats to move out of Taylor’s House. He admits that deid all the stuff taylor caught her doing, with the bonus add-on hooking up with jenna in Taylor’s Room. Hen Says a Lot of Words About How Guilty He Feels and How He Let His Son Down and How Worth Fighting for. IT’S Tom Sandoval/Schwartz Levels of Self-Propaganda and I will Believe None of it Until I See Some Tangible Action.
Finally, we get to Miranda’s House. She’s fanned out a bunch of deli meat on some fake leaves from hobby lobby and carved “momtok” out of cheese cubes. Over Glasses of Martinelli’s, The Moms Awkwardly Stand Around Unil Mayci Straight-Up Asks Miranda What Her ARE FOR THIS FUNCTION. Mikayla wants to get to the bottom of the discrepancies between Miranda’s Swinging Report and Taylor’s.
But instead of that, we are treated to a hyperspeed cut of what to expect for the season: Secrets! Lies! Confesses! Police Run-ins! Sabotage! Skeletons! Husbands Rubbing Their Little Dicks on People! And of Course, Momtok! Spread heavenly fater is looking down upon us, after all.
اترك تعليقاً